Forget you
by s.n.seif
Summary: Eric and Sookie have a messy past, she wanted to forget all about it, be careful what you wish for. AH
1. Chapter 1

There was a knock on my door, I huffed and cussed under my breath, not only because I wasn't expecting company, but because I was baking, I wasn't just baking i was using up all the flour in the state of Louisiana. It wasn't for a bake sale or anything so social, i just always found baking amazingly therapeutic and lately I had been needing all the therapy I could get, but I have to say the real therapy came from the smell that spread all over the house, it reminded me of something familiar, and that always made me feel a little less tense.

I ran to the door wiping my hands on my apron, not really caring or bothering to take it off, whoever dropped by so unexpectedly would just have to deal with me like this, I mean don't get me wrong i'm not usually such a bitch, I can be a good host when the occasion calls for it, but I was having a bad day and in no mood for hosting.

Before I could get myself riled up anymore, I swung the door open, only to find my self standing in front of the most beautiful man I had ever seen, I was never one to ogle or swoon, but I really couldn't help it. He was tall, no like 6'4 tall, with broad shoulders that just filled up my doorway, oh and his hair, it was blonde and fell to his shoulders in a sexy mess, I had to fight the urge to touch it just to make sure it was as good as it looked, but what really caught me off guard was his eyes, not their amazing cerulean blue, it was the way he looked at me, I could literally see all these emotions flickering in them. Just then I was sure that this man knew me and I knew him.

I just couldn't put the dots together, I have trouble doing that sometimes.

"Yes, can i help you?"

The man just furrowed his eyebrows, I cannot be sure but I think he looked a little hurt, I had been getting that a lot lately, I wanted to explain but I bit my tongue.

"Sookie, stop that, I know I'm the last person you want to see, but, you're being a bit childish don't you think?"

So he did know me, but for the life of me I couldn't recognize him, but for some reason, I didn't feel so guilty about that as I usually do.

"I'm sorry do I know you?"

There was no need to make this any easier on him, obviously we were not that close if he hadn't come to see me in this past year, besides, I think I should be angry with him...

"Sookie, really, stop it, we need to talk, I know you don't want to hear it, but, just let me in"

I could really see his frustration now, part of me really wanted to let him in so I could explain, and he could remind me why I should be so angry, but something inside of me was screaming NO.

"Look, I really don't know who you are Mr...?"

He raised his eyebrow, and there was a mixture of anger and amusement on his face.

"Really? You really want to do this? Fine, Northman, Eric Northman, pleased to meet you"

He held out his hand for me to shake, I couldn't help but shake his hand.

The name did kind of ring a bell, but not enough to let me change my mind, but I still couldn't shut the door.

"Well Mr. Northman, I'm pleased to meet you, and I _do_ believe that you _do_ know me, but I really don't know you, so there really is nothing to talk about, and I assure you I am not angry at you as you think, now if you would excuse me, Im a bit busy. Goodbye Mr. Northman"

I shut the door after some hesitation, I just felt something was out of place in his presence.

I looked through the peephole to see him standing there, as if he couldn't move, he looked so shocked, under different circumstances, I would have howled with laughter, but I knew this was no laughing matter.

I walked back to the kitchen, to finish up my carrot bread, I think I needed to mix a new batch, and call Felix.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed this, or added it to their alert or favorites list, I was doing the happy dance every time I got an email from FF.**_

_**I hope this chapter explains a little bit more, I will try to update ass much as I can.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own them; they belong to Charlaine Harris.**_

Here I was, standing at her door, I felt like my feet were planted there, millions of thought passing through my head. I had no idea what to make of this, or how to react to this.

Before coming to knock on her door I had thought everything through, I didn't want to be caught off guard. I prepared myself for all the possible reactions she could have at seeing me, anger, apathy, sarcasm, cruelty, anything. I had even though of 'happy to see me', although I knew that was a long shot.

I expected anything but certainly not this….

I had been planning months for this. What really took so much time was finding her.

After what had happened a year ago, Sookie up and disappeared, she literally left everything behind, her apartment, her job, her friends… everything.

She was nowhere to be found, I knew she was hurt, and that I was the reason, but I had no idea it was that bad. That had made me hate myself even more.

No one had any idea where she was, but I knew the key to finding Sookie was my brother, my stepbrother Felix.

Sookie and Felix had been best friends for as far as I could remember, they had met in Princeton, and were inseparable since then.

When she more or less vanished, Felix stopped talking to me… for 6 months.

I had it coming. I deserved it.

Felix had sworn up and down he had no idea where Sookie was, but I knew better, I knew that Felix would be the only person she would trust.

Not one to be fooled by my younger brother, I hired a private investigator to follow Felix around every time he left the city. It took a while but the results were more than satisfying.

I had found her, but knocking on her door was a whole other challenge, I flew to Louisiana (yes she left New York to go to Louisiana. That's just how much I fucked her up) I rented a car and drove to the address I was given. I couldn't get out of the car if it were on fire. So I did the freakiest thing ever, I watched her, stalkerish much?

She was as gorgeous as ever; flaunting her curves like it was no one's business. Most importantly, she was happy, I could see it, she didn't look careless, but she looked happy, happier than I had ever made her. That just made getting to her doorstep harder.

After finding my balls again, I made it to her door; Sookie was now living in a beautiful country style house. It was a stark contrast to her New York apartment, but it screamed Sookie nonetheless.

When she opened the door in her apron, she looked good enough to eat.

I knew she was baking; as soon as she swung the door open, the smell filled up the doorway. She always loved to bake, saying that the smell was the real motivation, and she always baked more when she was stressed; saying it was therapeutic. I could never get that but as long as I could eat the goods, I was all for it.

After registering everything, I saw the strangest look in her eyes. I was almost taken aback; she looked at me like she didn't know me.

She didn't.

Through our conversation I was waiting for her to crack up laughing and tell me it was some bad joke or something, but the look in her eyes told me better; she really didn't know me.

She swung the door, slamming it in my face. I knew that the look on my face was priceless.

I couldn't move, I thought of knocking again, but I just couldn't see her look at me like that any more. It hurt.

I wanted to talk to Felix, but I knew a phone call wouldn't do it, so I took the first plane out of Shreveport to New York.

I was still stunned, I had no idea what to think, what to make of this clusterfuck, and more importantly how to feel; pissed, disappointed, relieved she wasn't angry….. But I was as tense as hell.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Once again I want to thank everyone who actually goes through the trouble to read this, I'm so grateful, this chapter is from Felix's POV it should answer some questions, I hope you like where this is going. Please tell me what you think…**_

_**Any mistakes are my own this is unbeta'd **_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own them**_

I don't think I could ever forgive what my brother put Sookie through: Luckily she had forgotten, and I had no intention of reminding her….

I was the renowned nerd of our family, I was never as popular or charismatic as my brothers Eric and Max were, so I invested myself in books and ended up landing myself a full scholarship to Princeton. That's where I met Sookie.

Sookie was taking creative writing with me and after class once, she asked me for directions. Usually I would just give a brief answer, but she was as hot as hell and her southern drawl was irresistible, so I offered to walk her to her next class myself. We talked while walking across campus, she was smart, funny, easy going and down to earth, and we became instant friends from that day on.

As time went by we became best friends, practically inseparable, I would be lying if I said I didn't want to get in her pants I am a warm blooded heterosexual man after all, but that was never my main goal with Sookie.

However one night while I was walking her home from the movies, I don't know what got into me, but I reached down and kissed her, at first she didn't respond, but in a few seconds she reciprocated, to say it was fine would be sugar coating it. It was catastrophic; she pulled away and looked up at me with a blank expression on her face. We were both waiting for the other to say something to break the tension, I have no idea how long we stood there looking at each other, but all of a sudden she started howling with laughter, I was a bit slow to catch on, but I couldn't help but laugh with her like a lunatic. The kiss was just that bad, and I thanked God that it didn't ruin our friendship. From that day on we fell in a perfect comfortable friendship.

When Christmas was coming up, I wanted to invite Sookie to come and spend it with my family, Christmas at our place was always a big hit, and I knew Sookie had no plans, because she only had her brother left and from what I had heard he was a bit of a douche and never spent Christmas with her; opting to spend it with his friends.

We were studying at my place together, when I asked her. Her face lit up, she was thrilled at the prospect of meeting my family and spending Christmas with them, and said she had to catch up on Christmas shopping because she was completely behind.

A week later we were driving to my family's place in New York.

I had told Sookie a lot about my family, but had chosen to omit many facts, that would later come to bite me in the ass, as I would learn later on.

When we passed the gates into the driveway, Sookie's jaw dropped, I was expecting nothing less. Both my parents were very successful; my father being the owner of one of the biggest food chains and my mother the editor of a fashion magazine, they made more than enough money to own many properties all around the country.

My parents' house was in one of the most exclusive areas of the New York suburbs. Whenever we would invite friends over they would have the same reaction.

Our parents raised us to appreciate everything that we had and to never think that money made us above anyone. They even forced us to get jobs when we were old enough, so no one ever suspected that we came from money, hence the reaction.

Sookie had a look of terror on her face, she had been wound up tighter than a guitar the past few days, and was as communicative as a rock all through our drive, I knew she was worried about making a good impression, but I had no worries, I knew with her southern charm, and sweet smile she would have them eating out of her palms by the end of our visit, what I didn't count on was her going all smitten over my brother…

When we reached the house, while we were getting our stuff out of the car the front door opened to reveal my parents standing together in the doorway, they had warm welcoming smiles on their faces.

Everything went as smooth as I expected, both my parents and Max fell in love with Sookie, but all hell broke loose as soon as Eric came.

I knew that my brother was by far the best looking out of us three; I guess he took after his father, because he didn't look much like our mother. I also knew that he was a notorious flirt and would most definitely flirt with Sookie. But I didn't expect them to actually hook up.

When Sookie called me to ask me who Eric Northman was, and why she should be angry with him, I swear I almost pissed my pants.

I knew he would eventually find her, but I never wanted to think too much about it.

I told Sookie that I was a bit occupied at the moment and that I would call her back and explain everything, I needed some time to choose what I was going to tell her, would I tell her the truth; that Eric Northman is my brother, and he is the guy you loved for 4 years till he broke your heart and chose himself over you, or should I lie to her and feed her a load of bull to save her from remembering what fate had wanted her to forget that terrible night in the hospital?

_**What do you guys think? **_


	4. Chapter 4

_**You guys have no idea how ecstatic I am when I get an alert or a review, so please keep it up, :D:D:D I know I'm moving a bit slow with the events, but I promise we will get there, I had a certain plot in mind, but after putting everything on paper, some changes needed to be made, I hope you like this chapter, and it gives a bit more insight on E/S relationship.**_

_**Disclaimer: not mine.**_

She can't remember me. Sookie can't remember me.

She can't remember the first time we met, our first honest to God date. She can't remember the first time we kissed, how our lips felt against each other, how we would make out for ages like horny teenagers.

She has no memory of our first fight, or the way we made up afterwards.

Or the first time we napped together, how our bodies felt against each other.

The first time we made love, I could recall every second, every breath, every moan and every thrust. But she…nothing, absolutely nothing.

I know I sound like a complete pussy, or something along those lines, and believe me I am not one to go all emo over a chic, but this is different, our history is different and our circumstances are different, all I can say is karma is a real bitch.

The first time I laid my eyes on her I wanted to devour her, she was a luscious little blonde enigma.

Sookie had long blonde curls down to the middle of her back, gorgeous blue eyes that were a shade darker than mine, a perky little nose and lips that were made just to be kissed and nibbled to kingdom come, but that was just the start, or should I say the cherry on top. It would be quite the challenge to give Sookie's body justice in a few sentences, but just to give an Idea; with Sookie I didn't know if I were a breast man, an ass man, or a leg man, It depended on which day of the week.

Seeing her there sitting in my parents' living room, all I could think of was throwing her on the coffee table and having my way with her. Merry Christmas Eric.

After the introductions were made, everyone fell into a comfortable conversation about all sorts of subjects, I noticed that Sookie was well spoken, very proud, and never ashamed to speak her mind, and admit when she was mistaken, I always respected that.

I tried to corner her a few times to get her alone, but she was too smart for her own sexual good it seems. But I noticed that she would glance towards me a few times, I know the effect I have on women, and I was relieved that Sookie was not immune to my charms. We would make eye contact a few times throughout the evening and it would end up with her blushing and looking away like a shy little schoolgirl. Fucking adorable!

That was the first time I met Sookie, that night sleep as impossible, all I could think of was making my way to her room and fulfilling all my fantasies, but that only made sleeping my new fantasy.

I got out of bed and headed to the kitchen, only to be welcomed by my little southern belle sitting on a stool nursing a cup of milk, in boy shorts and a tank top. _Hallelujah_!

"I'm sorry I couldn't sleep so I thought a cup of milk would help, I'll be out of here in a minute"

"No, no, it's fine, stay and keep me company"

"I just don't sleep so well in strange beds, not that the bed in your parents' guestroom is not heavenly, it's more of a psychological thing"

"Would you like to try out my bed?"

I hadn't realizes I'd said that before it was out of my mouth. _Fantastic._

"I don't think your bed is big enough for me and your big…_ego_"

To say I was shocked at seeing this brazen side of Sookie would be an understatement. She smiled like she was challenging me; well two could play this game.

"Well Sookie, I'm sure with the right approach to this issue, we could satisfy all the parties involved"

"I'm sure we could. Good night Eric"

We were only getting started, the little minx. She smiled like the cat that ate the canary and walked away with what I'm sure was a little extra swing for my own torment.

ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ

Our chemistry was undeniable from that evening and we spent most of the Christmas vacation getting to know one another. I knew Sookie was not going to make it easy but the cat and mouse game we played made it that much more worthwhile.

The night before Sookie and Felix were to leave I panicked, yes I panicked, I didn't want her to leave without any guarantees of anything more. I was lying in bed staring at the ceiling like it was the most interesting thing. There was a knock on my door and I swear I was going to get up and start bouncing on the bed, only to find that it was Max, asking me something about when I would be leaving and if he could get a ride with me. I was so pissed off at him I almost said NO, but ended up saying I would think about it.

Just as I was beginning to formulate am elaborate plan on how I would make my super smooth move on Sookie the door knocked again.

"Max, I said I would think about it, now fuck off!"

"Oh, um sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you"

Shit, It was Sookie.

"No, No, come back, Sookie?"

I ran to the door and swung it open to see her standing there in nothing but an itty-bitty nightgown. _Swallow_.

"Come in, I thought you were Max"

She entered the room and I followed her in, she turned around to look at me, and then took a deep breath. I took a step closer, and took in her smell, Sookie had this amazing scent, I could never forget. I knew later that it was a mix of her shampoo, soap, perfume, and that extra Sookie essence.

"Listen Eric, I really like you, and…and I wanted to invite you over to come visit me in Princeton, I mean only if you want to come of course, I.."

" I'd love to"

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

She beamed and I couldn't help but smile back. We kept looking at each other for what seemed to last like hours, but I'm sure was only a minute or two, I was doing summersaults in my head. I mean here she was standing in my room asking me to go visit her, I could tell she was nervous, the way she kept fidgeting and darting her eyes around the room. And then it hit me.

She had made the first real move and it was my turn, the ball was in my court, I needed to show her that I wanted her just as much, if not more, so I just let go, and bent down, holding her face in my hands and tilting her head slightly and, all of this while keeping my eyes fixed on hers, getting her silent approval, and then I plunged, I went for it.

Sookie's lips were just…divine. We kept kissing till we ran out of air, then we looked at each other, each one gauging the other's reaction. This time she initiated it.

We went on like that for most of the night just kissing, until she ended up straddling my hips to get more comfortable. I wanted more, much more, but I knew Sookie would not be ready. But I was happy enough just sitting there kissing, nibbling and nipping at her lips, her jaw, her neck and around her collarbone. Kissing Sookie was an experience to be savored.

That was our first kiss; I could remember it like it was today. I remember every detail, everything, but she remembered nothing.

Then again, that meant she couldn't remember my fuck ups.

She couldn't remember that I refused to tell her 'I love you'.

We had been partners in every way we could have been. Literally.

She had said it to me, many times. Knowing I was not ready to say it.

But never saying anything about it. Never complaining. But every time she said it, I could see the expectation, followed by the hurt in her eyes.

I just couldn't say it, after everything, I just couldn't giver her that.

But that was just the tip of the iceberg.

_**Feedback!**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Okay so I know this took a while to come out, but It was very difficult, I kept writing and rewriting it, and I'm still not completely satisfied, I am thrilled with everyone that has taken interest in this, please review :D:D**_

_**I hope you like it, I'm fully aware of how much of an amateur I am.**_

_Eric you piece of shit!_

Now I have to take care of his mess, _again_.

I swear I had always wanted to tell Sookie the whole story, I could say that the chance never came and that there was always something more important to say or do. But I would be lying.

Not only did I avoid talking about him, but I also hid every shred of evidence in her life related to Eric. _Everything_.

I felt like the Gods were giving her a chance to start over, clean and fresh, a clean slate. Literally. What cleaner slate than memory loss? And who was I to interfere?

I just thought it was better this way, I loved Sookie, and it was hurting me everyday to see what she was going through.

So when did the proverbial shit really hit proverbial the fan?

Eric and Sookie had been together for a few years now, It was always Sookie and Eric this, Sookie and Eric that, after it had been Sookie and Felix this, Sookie and Felix that.

We were still best friends, but she never had the time for me like she did when it was just she and I. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't want Sookie for myself, I just didn't want her for Eric. I love Eric very much, and I want to see him happy, but he did not and does not deserve Sookie.

But I kept that to myself because I didn't want to lose them both after all, besides, Sookie was happy, which meant I was happy.

A few months before it all fell apart they had begun to fight. Sookie would come over to my place some nights, she wouldn't say much but I could tell something was wrong, I didn't want to push her because I knew that she was an avid believer in what happens between a couple should stay between them. But I knew Sookie really had no one and I began to worry so I started becoming a bit more inquisitive. She wasn't happy about it at first but she broke down in tears and sobs and ended up putting her head on my lap to get it all out.

When Her sobs began to calm down and her breathing became steady she began to talk.

"I don't know if it's worth it anymore, Felix"

"What happened?"

"He is so distant these days, he hardly ever talks to me, I know something is up and I'm willing to be as patient as he needs me to be'

' I mean we have been together for this long and he doesn't even want to talk about moving in together, I don't know what's right with him anymore, it's as if I'm walking on tip toe afraid of waking the beast"

I kept patting her on her back to calm her down, but I could tell that she had already thought a lot about this

"Maybe it's work, I mean you know how the movie business can get sometimes"

I couldn't believe how cheesy and pathetic I sounded; I just didn't know what to say to make her feel better. Better yet to make _me_ feel better.

She turned her head and looked at me while raising her eyebrows in 'are you kidding me?' sort of way. She knew me too well.

I just looked away; trying to avoid her gaze, she was hopeful, always expect Sookie to find the silver lining. I usually loved that about her, but right now it made me want to smack her silly.

She was waiting for me to say something that will reassure her. I was torn between wanting to give her the comfort she wanted, and sought after in my words, and telling her just how I felt about their relationship, that she should dump him and find someone that will love her, say it, and act upon it.

This pattern went on for a few months, and I knew that one of them would crack sooner or later; I had my money on Eric, not because he is Eric, but because he is a guy, we always tend to crack first.

Then it happened, I wish I could say it was sudden, or that it took me off guard. But it kind of smoothed its way in.

Eric was working on a new movie with another A-list actress. This was not something new of course.

The tabloids started to publish photos of them hanging around together. The articles were disgusting and vulgar, but this too was nothing new.

Every time Eric was filming the tabloids made up a load of crap about him and whatever co-star, so no one really cared, on the contrary, the publicists though this was a fantastic way to give the movie exposure and a buzz, or whatever shit they call it.

No one ever took the rumors seriously, so we never really cared, but to be honest I didn't feel so great about it because of the current tension in their relationship, I just worried it would stir up a little jealousy, I mean like worst case scenario.

The press conference was the real, what's the word…fuck up, chaos, wreck, whatever word gets the meaning across.

For Sookie it was the breakdown.

Eric and this Sophie Ann bitch actually made it official.

They actually kissed and fondled each other on national TV.

_Mother fucker!_

I kept trying to call Sookie, but her phone was turned off.

I went by to her place, I was sure she was inside, but she wouldn't open the door. I was freaking out, I didn't know what to do, I was panicking, I was completely clueless.

I couldn't sleep that night, I kept pacing my living room, waiting for her to knock on my door, or my phone to ring, anything. I must have dozed off because the next thing I remember was a wild knock on my door, pulling me out of my sleep, I knew it was Sookie.

I stumbled off the couch and ran to the door swinging it open, I didn't wait to look at her, I just took her in my arms. She wasn't crying, shaking or hyperventilating like I thought she would be, she pushed me back, I got a good look at her, her eyes were puffy, her cheeks were swollen and her face was as white as ice; her whole face looked like a punching bag.

I hated him then more than ever.

She marched into my living room, yes marched she was so full of indignation and anger, she was nowhere near broken, I never saw that or expected that in Sookie, to say it made me proud and relieved would me the understatement of the century. But I was still waiting for the meltdown, I knew Sookie to well, and I knew that this wouldn't last for too long.

"I'm moving back to Louisiana, are you helping or not?"

That was the last thing I expected to hear her say, and I had had 'let's go for ice cream' on my list of possibilities.

"Sookie what are you talking about"

"Felix, I can't stay here anymore, I don't want to be anywhere near him"

I thought logic would be my best ally, so I went for the job issue.

"What about your job?"

"It's summer vacation Felix, It's perfect, I'm sure I can find a teaching post in Louisiana by the next school year"

"You've thought this through, haven't you?"

I was a bit hurt that she had no second thoughts or qualms about the fact that she would be leaving me behind, and under different circumstances I might have thrown it in her face, but I could see that she was dead serious about this, she had her mind set, and there was no going back. She was desperate.

As if she could read my thoughts, or maybe the disappointment showed in my face, she put her hands on both my cheeks.

"Felix, you're a writer, you could come visit me whenever you want, I need to do this, I need your support, I need your approval"

How could I say no to that? How could I ever say no to Sookie? Especially now, when she was so desperate for this, it was her last straw, and I wouldn't take that away from her if my life depended on it.

"How can I help?"

"I'm packing up my stuff"

The next couple of weeks Sookie and I packed up her whole life in boxes and made arrangements with a moving company to take her things, after we had gone to Louisiana a couple of times and found the perfect house.

I remember the look on Sookie's face as soon as we parked in the driveway. It was perfect for her. It was Sookie through and through.

She was already imagining where she would put her furniture, she even promised to prepare a room for me whenever I would want to visit. I could see the hope in her eyes, I hadn't seen it there in a while, she really did need this, and this is where she could start fresh.

Those two weeks were exhausting to say the least, but I knew that she wanted to get out of New York as fast as her feet would take her, and I wouldn't stop her.

Sookie had been there for me whenever I needed her, when I was ill she would pack her bags and move in with me to take care of me, when I had writers block she would take me out of the city for a few days, when I broke up with any of my girlfriends she would get drunk with me till I couldn't see straight, and Sookie hated to drink.

Now it was time for me to take care of her, I didn't care about anything then as long as it would make her forget my brother.

Then again maybe guilt was my motive, underneath it all I felt guilty for not keeping her away from him, for not warning her, for not protecting her. I felt that this was the only way I could make it up to her. But I would never tell her that, I know she didn't hold me responsible.

Those two weeks we didn't hear a word from Eric, I knew he was in hiding, I knew he was avoiding me, but I didn't care as long as Sookie was coping and dealing I could look the other way.

For Sookie's last night in New York I took her out to her favorite restaurant, she was not happy, far from it, but she had found her resolve. She was stubborn about her heartbreak, but I knew that under that strong façade she was broken and damaged.

"You know I'm going to miss it here, I love New York"

"Well, you know you can always change your mind"

I was hopeful, but not stupid.

She looked up from her dessert, with her eyes full of tears, and I just wanted to take her in my arms then and there.

"I miss him so much, I ache for him Felix. Everything reminds me of him"

"I know"

I had nothing more to say, and I'm the writer.

"I just want to know why, was I not enough?"

I took in a deep breath and looked at her waiting for the right words to come, but they didn't

"He didn't deserve you Sookie"

She had decided to drive to Louisiana, making a road trip out of it, Sookie had been staying with me these last few days, and would be leaving for good tomorrow morning, I just didn't realize how 'for good' she would be gone.

24 hours later I received the phone call, the phone call that would change it all for Sookie, I just didn't know it then.

I made it to the hospital on the outskirts of Louisiana, I ran till I was out of breath, I had to struggle till I found her room, going through nurse after nurse, asking me the same questions, and responding in the same indifference.

Then I saw her, she was lying there in the hospital bed completely out of it, her face was bruised and cut, my hear broke for her all over again, I was so angry, I was so fucking frustrated, I could kill someone, I could kill anyone.

I sat next to her and placed my hand on hers, I knew she would come out of it, I knew she would be okay, I had no doubt about it.

After a few minute of sitting next to her, my mind completely blank, the doctor came in, He was a tall handsome man in his mid fifties, you could tell he knew what he was doing, and that made me feel a bit better.

"Good evening Mr. Jonson, I'm Dr. Brigant, Sookie's doctor, I just want to reassure you, she will be fine, she is not in a coma she is just under the effect of the sedatives and pain killers, she has many bumps and bruises all over her body, they all seem to be mild however she hurt her head severely, we will not be sure how bad the injury is before she wakes up, but I'm very optimistic. There _is_ bad news though, she lost the baby, I'm sorry"

_**So what do you think? Next chapter will be an Eric POV**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**I want to thank everyone for taking the time to read, alert and review this I swear I jump up and down whenever I get an email for a review! :D:D**_

_**I'm sorry for the delay, I had exams this week and this chapter was very difficult to get together.**_

_**This is an EPOV, I hope it explains a bit more, and answers some of the questions.**_

_**Disclaimer: not mine, It's just fun**_

I will tell her. I will be the one to, what is the correct phrase, enlighten her of our history.

I will tell her because that is only fair; she deserves to hear it from me and only me, not from Felix or anyone else. I will tell Sookie everything because I owe her the truth, the truth about what she never knew and what she forgot.

I will not have her at a disadvantage because of her amnesia or anything else.

To be completely honest, I did consider not telling her at all, and starting fresh with Sookie, I knew that was my closest chance of having her back. And still is.

I am well aware that telling her will only push us farther apart, and that my chances of having her back will be slim to nothing, but I cannot have half of her, I can not live with that type of lie between us, I would have her all or nothing at all.

What I really want to do is just have her back with me, here next to me. I want to tell her I'm sorry, that I will never hurt her again, that I am nothing without her. I want to tell her I love her over and over again, till she tires of it. I want to give her anything and everything she wishes for, everything she deserves. Everything I didn't give her before.

Sookie is it for me, I cannot believe I am saying this, But I will always belong to her, whether she will have me or not.

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To really fix everything I guess I would have to start at the turning point in our relationship, or _THE _turning point of our relationship.

Right from the first day Sookie had taken the lead in our relationship, in other circumstances this may have had made me running and screaming, but it didn't.

She took everything so slowly, never pushing me into something I was not ready for. She was so patient and understanding, it made me feel like I was almost completely normal. Like I was actually a good boyfriend.

You see before Sookie I had never been part of a couple, to say I was too emotionally crippled for that would be an understatement.

I was well aware that I had deep commitment and intimacy issues, so I was completely satisfied with my one night stand/no strings attached policy, right until she came into my life demanding her place and calling me on my bullshit. She was such a force.

Sookie had kissed me first, asked me out first, everything first. I was like a child in her presence; I never knew where to start, I never knew how to really love her or be what I was supposed to be for her, but she never made me feel like I was lacking. I think that for a while there I made her as happy as she made me. At least I hope I did.

The 'first' that did not go down as smoothly as the others was the 'I love you' first.

She said it to me on her birthday when I gave her the present I knew would make her smile from ear to ear; I arranged for a full trip to India for 2 weeks, I had put effort in planning each and every detail, I wanted it to be perfect.

Sookie had wanted to go to India for as long as I could remember, and I always wanted to give her everything. She was my Sookie.

She was so happy she jumped up and down and threw herself at me putting her arms and legs around me in a death grip.

"I love you Eric! I love you so much! Thank you."

_Shit_

I was not ready to say _it_, I may have felt it, but I was far from ready to sound out my feelings.

I was afraid of whatever would happen next, the air was thick with my hesitation and her anticipation, we were standing there with her wrapped around me, both of us waiting for the other to chase away the awkwardness in the room. As if reading my mind, she looked down at me and tilted my head up to look at her. She had the warmest smile on her face, chasing away all the fear in my head.

"Eric baby, you don't have to say it if you are not ready, it's okay, I feel it and I want to say it, and I want you to know it, I don't want you to say it because you feel like you should, you know we are not like that, now give me my birthday kiss"

She leaned down and kissed me. And I kissed her back, telling her with my kisses what I couldn't tell her with words, I spent the whole night giving her that birthday kiss. I truly did adore this woman.

Weeks passed by with nothing worth mentioning, we fell into our comfortable routine and everything went as smooth as usual. Or I thought so.

We were having dinner together at my place, I always loved to have her cooking in my kitchen, and I loved her in every aspect of my life.

She was extra silent that evening but I didn't want to think too much of it, so I just let it go. I knew if there were something on her mind she would eventually just up and say it, besides I was never one to open _those_ cans of worms.

I realize now that it was selfish of me, I should have always encouraged her to tell me what was on her mind, I should have given her what she always gave me, She knew me well, she knew everything about me, she just took me in the way I was without thinking twice.

I should have been available for her that way. I may have been as emotional as a log but this was Sookie, I could always make an exception for her.

A couple of days later while lying in bed she was looking up at the ceiling like it held the answers to all the world's secrets.

She took a deep breath and let it out as if bracing herself for a disaster, I knew something was coming up so I just kept looking up at the ceiling, I knew whatever this was going to be about, was something better done _sans_ eye contact.

"Eric, what do you think about moving in together, I mean I'm here most of the time anyway, half of my clothes are here, it would save us money and time, what do you think?"

The hesitation in her voice was evident, she was afraid of my rejection.

I was trying to look calm, but I knew she would see right through me.

"Look, you know what never mind, it was just a thought, it's silly, Good night baby"

She gave me a quick peck on my cheek and turned around to sleep.

I couldn't sleep that night, not because I was afraid of moving in together, not because I was afraid of what would come next. But because I had let her down, I had disappointed her. I made her feel unworthy and trivial. She was anything but.

When I look back on that night, I know that it was then I started losing her, that night was _the_ turning point. I knew then that I could never be enough; I had failed her one too many times.

The funny thing is she didn't give up on us, far from it she kept fighting to keep me next to her, but I felt unworthy, I knew that sooner or later she would tire of me, and all the effort she put into us without getting much in return. I knew that the day would come when she would know she deserved so much more.

She deserved someone who would never hesitate to move forward with her, who would say all the right things at the right time, who would take care of _her_ for a change, but I could never be that, so I just pushed her away. I closed myself off; I knew it was a matter of time now. I just wanted to leave her before she left me.

I was falling apart but would never let it show, Felix was right. I simply wasn't good enough for her.

I don't know if it's irony fate, or simply God having a good laugh. I missed her so much.

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I had a project coming up so I knew that I would be away for some time, I thought it would be the perfect break for her to think everything over, evaluate our situation and leave me.

The only person who knew what was going on inside of me, and knew that I was literally breaking down behind my cool façade was Pam.

Pam was my manager, publicist, childhood friend and everything else.

She was the only person that truly knew what I was going through.

She got me this project knowing that I needed to get away, I needed to occupy my time with work, I didn't want to have time to myself thinking about Sookie, thinking about what was to come, what would become of me without her.

Then Sophie Ann came into the picture; I knew then and there that this was simply God having a good laugh.

Sophie Ann was one of my ex -um- fuck buddies, She was a nut case, no really, I had been avoiding her like the plague after our last night together. I knew Pam had put me here on purpose, I could bet my next big fat paycheck on it.

She was all over me, I mean really some women have no self respect, she was on me like white on rice, wherever I would go she would be there, In the beginning it was a bit uncomfortable but then it just became extremely irritating.

Pam of course was having a field day with this; the press coverage was enough to make me sick, I wish I could say I was taking it in strides, but I was just pissed off, ready to lash out at anyone who came near me.

"You know Eric, this is the perfect way to give Sookie her new start, right? If you play your cards right, she will be over you and under the next guy in no time."

Just the thought of my Sookie with someone else brought bile to my mouth. I couldn't stand the image Pam's words had put in my head. My chest tightened at the thought of her getting over me, I was all bark and no bite.

"Eric, give her that at least, if you are going to leave her, give her a clean fresh start, you can only do that by giving her a clean break"

"Shut up Pam"

At this point I was just livid, I was about to throw myself at Pam and kill her if she wouldn't shut up.

I knew she was spot on, I knew that she was right, but I couldn't take it that easily.

She looked at me in utter disgust.

"No Eric, you let her go months ago. You know, before I thought you were just being a fucking emo, but you were right, you don't deserve her, you do what works for you when it works for you, now that reality is caving in on you, now that you actually see that she will belong to someone else you want her back, you are just a fucking pussy, man up and give her the clean break she deserves, you have already messed her up enough"

And I did just that.

_**What do you guys think? **_


	7. Chapter 7

_**Thank you so much for all the alerts and reviews, I love writing this so much and getting such strong feedback makes it even more fun.**_

_**I hope you guys like this chapter, want to send a shout out to my sister for being incredibly supportive and helpful :D**_

_**Disclaimer: not mine**_

Eric Northman, Eric Northman, Eric Northman…

It was useless, I know. I thought if I kept repeating the name I might remember him, remember something or remember anything. I even thought of googling him, but then I backed off, that's just borderline obsessive.

Ever since I saw him standing at my door claiming that he knew me and that we had some sort of history I couldn't get him out of my head, and not in the fluffy hopeless romantic sort of way, but in the completely annoying, infuriating, get under your skin kind of way. I mean the man _is_ gorgeous, I would say beautiful (I already have) if it were appropriate to call a guy beautiful, but he was just evoking such a response that was so foreign to me…

I was a lethal baker by now.

You know those days you wake up in bed and just as you start to take in your surroundings you already feel like crap, No I don't mean the 'tired, I want to sleep and throw the alarm as far as my arm will allow' sort of crap. I mean waking up knowing by some sort of weird premonition that this day is not going to be a good day, and that nothing will work out the way you want it to. This was one of those days.

I swear I woke up this morning almost smelling mayhem right around the corner. According to some research I read somewhere; Murphy's Law that claims that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, is just an obscenely optimistic theory, well la-di-da.

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When I woke up in the hospital with no memory of the last few years of my life, I was terrified, I was panicking and trembling, I could feel every muscle in my body betraying me in every sense of the word, I'm sure if I were standing I would be a mere pile of limbs on the floor.

I started crying so hard, I was shaking and completely out of breath, I am not a coward, nor am I a weak person, but you try waking up in a hospital bed with a chunk of your life taken away from you.

The only thing that kept me from losing it, the only thing that really kept me together in one piece was Felix.

I actually remembered him that alone gave me more comfort than it really should.

I knew right from the start that Felix was not being completely honest with me, not as direct and clear as I needed him to be, especially when it came to my pregnancy.

Just thinking about that makes my chest tighten and my heart drop down to my feet.

I was going to be a mother, if there was nothing I could remember and nothing I knew about myself, I could be sure of one thing 'I would make a good mother'. I knew with every fiber of my being that it was what I was made for. I wanted nothing more than to be a mother, even if there was no father in the picture. But it doesn't matter now, does it?

Felix denied knowing who the father was, but I knew better. I probably should have pressured him into telling me what I needed to know, no what I _should_ already know, but I couldn't, I didn't have it in me. I was already at such a low point I just could not take any more blows. It was simply too much, so I just let it go, _for the time being._

For a while now I had been planning on getting Felix to tell me everything, even if it were irrelevant information at this point, I just wanted everything, as much as I could get. I was in a better place now, I had accepted my loss, pulled myself together and moved on with my life, and was ready to take on anything at this point, be it my past or my future. I just knew that I hadn't lived my best day yet.

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Felix should be arriving in a couple of hours, so I decided I would just do a quick clean up to make sure everything was where it should be, I then went to make sure Felix's room had clean sheets and towels, I had always been a clean freak, but Felix took it to a whole new level.

I then headed to the kitchen to finish up dinner, I had made chili and cornbread because it was his favorite, and I make mean cornbread. I certainly had no need to make any dessert, I had enough pies, cakes and desserts to last me a decade.

Just as I was finishing up in the kitchen, there was a knock at the door. I was torn between utter panic and extreme relief. Relief because I would finally get to know everything I craved to know, not only would I find out who Eric Northman was and why I should be angry at him, but I would finally get the chance to ask all the questions I had rolling around in my head taking away sleep from my eyes every night.

Panic because I knew that whatever Felix had to tell me about Eric Northman or my past would be anything but pleasant. I mean if Felix felt like he needed to fly down here just to talk to me, well that said it all, didn't it?

I walked to the door bracing myself for whatever was about to come my way; God only knows that I was keeping myself from going all over the place by a miracle. I opened the door to see Felix standing there, his face was so pale it took me aback, He looked as bad as I felt. Before I had the chance to comment or question his appearance I realized that he was not alone, standing to the side looking like a deer in the headlights was the one and only Eric Northman.

Fuck_ my life!_

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As soon as Eric returned from Shreveport he came knocking on my door like a raving lunatic, part of me was enjoying his dilemma, he was absolutely clueless, but another part of me though was just frustrated with the mess that I needed to clean up. I let him know that.

He wanted to know everything, but I didn't want to give him that. I couldn't give him that satisfaction. He certainly didn't deserve it.

I never questioned him concerning what he did to Sookie, I knew that whatever he had to say would not be good enough and would just push me to the edge. Besides it was not my place to tell him anymore, or was it?

I mean there are things that only I can say, only I can manage; Sookie doesn't know who Eric is, Eric doesn't know what is wrong with Sookie and why there is something wrong with Sookie in the first place.

I certainly didn't care what Eric knew or didn't know, I just cared for what Sookie would soon enough be asking for…

I mean where do I begin?

After giving Eric the silent treatment for as long as I could, I told him as little as possible, I told him that she had an accident and lost her memory (when I said as little as possible I was not exaggerating)

Eric looked flabbergasted the look on his face was priceless; Sookie could always show us a new side of Eric that was for sure…

Of course Eric is my older brother, he knew me too well. And he knew that I was not telling him nearly as much as I could, he kept his eyes on me waiting for details, waiting for me to elaborate, I looked back at him knowing that I had the most taunting expression on my face.

"That is all you get to know, it is not my place to tell you anything more"

Eric looked like he smelt something foul.

"You're kidding me right?"

Eric had simply dug his own grave by now. I was seeing red by this point, I was holding myself back from causing him as much physical pain as I could, I didn't care that he could probably chew me up and spit me out.

"_I_ am kidding _you, _you piece of shit! Remember when you broke her heart and left her high and dry for that fake bitch? Remember that? Eric you lost any rights regarding Sookie long ago, stay away from her Eric, You have done enough, just let her be please!"

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So here we were…

"I want to tell her myself, I want to explain, please let me do that, and then I won't see her again if that _is_ what she wants"

I was so tired of having this conversation with Eric, it was like talking to a 3 year old, _amazing!_

"Eric she doesn't need this shit, she just started settling in her new life and accepting everything that has happened. She is taking everything slowly and she doesn't need this now. I mean what do you expect? You tell her everything, somehow explain why you were an ass and then she just throws herself back in your arms?"

I could see the hurt and remorse in Eric's eyes, and I had no intention of removing that expression, quite the opposite, it gave me some satisfaction to know that he was in pain. I took a deep breath bracing myself for his response, I was sure there was one.

"Felix, I need to know that she is alright, I need to see her and talk to her, I want to know how she is, I want to know what you won't tell me, not because of my curiosity, not because I expect her to forgive me, but because I love her Felix, I need to make sure she is okay, after that I will keep my distance. I swear"

To say I was shocked would be the understatement of the century, this is the first time I had seen Eric putting someone else before himself, I knew that underneath it all there was a part of him that did love Sookie, but I certainly was not expecting this. For a second there I started feeling sorry for him, but then I stopped I could continue explaining how faulty his logic was, he spoke up again.

"Sookie will have questions to ask Felix, some of those questions only I can answer, I don't need your permission to go and speak with her, but I know that she trusts you and will feel safe and comfortable with you there, Let me do this for her, please Felix"

I looked at Eric, the pleading look on his face made me waver a little. I considered what he had just said, he did have a point, Sookie would not only demand to know who Eric was, but she would want to know every little detail I had to provide, and if she felt that my answers were insufficient, she would seek out Eric herself to give her what she was looking for. Sookie was absolutely ravenous when it came to her past. I mean could you really blame her? I am not proud of myself for keeping her in the dark and using her misfortune against her, even if it was for her sake, I guess I just took the easy way out.

I took another deep breath, let it out then closed my eyes, I was just hopping I would not regret this anytime soon.

That is how we ended up standing at Sookie's door, both of us looking like shit, it was amazing the effect this little woman had on us.

_**So?**_


	8. Chapter 8

_**So I suck, I know I kept everyone waiting so long for this, and I'm so so sorry, these past few weeks everything seemed to happen; exams, traveling, family…..**_

_**plus writing this was extremely difficult, a friend of mine warned me that this would be a make it or break it chapter, I hope after you guys read this you are still interested.**_

_**Any mistakes are my own.**_

_**Disclaimer: not mine.**_

You would think that I would be at least able to pull off basic social functions, that I would maybe nod and smile, well a crazy Sookie smile of course, but nothing. I felt completely glued to where I was, if you had told me the house was on fire, I doubt you would get anymore than a nod and smile then, well that's something.

I stood in my doorway all rational thoughts out of the window. All I was capable of achieving was staring at Eric Northman, Don't ask me why I kept calling him that and don't ask me why I couldn't get my eyes to move away from him. Maybe I thought saying his full name in my head repeatedly while looking at him might force my mind into remembering, or maybe I thought that if I kept looking at him he would disappear and I could get along with my evening…I don't know.

He didn't avoid my gaze, nor did he show discomfort under my staring not so scrutinizing look, instead he stared at me too, it wasn't like a challenge or a stare down waiting to see who would flinch or look away first. It was more of an emotional look; nostalgia, expectation, hope? I would have given anything to be able to get an insight on his thoughts. His stare made me feel a bit more than uncomfortable but my mind was not in full swing, remember?

"Hey Sookie, um can we take this inside?"

Felix pulled me out of my 'pause mode' with his words; I even think I shook my head like those cartoons to shake up my brain or something. Suddenly my sense of time and place returned to me and I was once again fully oriented; my southern manners kicked in, I plastered a smile on my face and moved out of the doorway allowing my guests to enter.

When Eric showed hesitation and reluctance at entering my home I was not shocked, it was expected of course. But when Felix walked in with unsure movements, not quite himself…I have to say I panicked. Felix had always made himself at home here and had always been relaxed and comfortable around me, besides the fact that Felix always moved with grace and accuracy. Seeing him like this was very disconcerting and only assured my previous fears and insecurities that this evening would be anything but smooth, Oh Lord.

After moving into the living room and making several attempts at being a good host, I sat in my usual chair finding comfort in its familiarity. That word had come to mean so much to me lately and I sought after it at every chance. I felt that tonight I should be surrounding myself with such small comforts. That was the only advantage I had going for me. I took a deep breath and looked at Felix with what I could tell was too much eagerness and expectation for my own age.

"Well Sookie, I have not been completely honest with you, um about your past, and aah maybe it's time to lay everything out in front of you, before you say anything, please know that I only did what I did for you Sookie, please understand that, I.."

"Felix get along with it, get to the point please"

Let's just say I was not shocked, I knew this was coming and I new it was coming now, I may have lost my memory but I didn't lose my common sense, but that still didn't mean I would let Felix off the hook that easily, I wanted him to_ really_ understand how he left me vulnerable with my ignorance, I mean we might have not been sitting here in this awkward setting if he had told me everything I needed to know. Knowledge is power after all and Felix chose to leave me powerless in front of Eric Northman.

Then again, I know that Felix kept what he did from me to save me some sort of sorrow I was not prepared for, But Felix seemed to enjoy taking me off guard one too many times for my liking…

I raised an eyebrow at Felix prompting him not to mess with me, especially not tonight.

I am sure my voice sounded just as bitter as I wanted it too, a thrill ran through my body; seeing the hesitance and fear in the two grown men sitting across the table from me made me feel so powerful and so powerless all at the same time.

"Well I think the best place to start is the beginning, Sookie this is Eric, Eric Northman, My step brother"

Okay this time I _was_ shocked, _step brother? _ I was well aware that there was a less than lovely history between Eric Northman and I. I had even made assumptions about what that history could entitle, believe me I was expecting the worse, I didn't want to allow my optimism to put me in a weaker position than I had already found myself in. But I had not expected this to involve Felix in any way, so much for assumptions.

I didn't want to show my surprise, I didn't want either of them to think that they had an advantage over me for one second. I was attempting to keep my facial expressions as neutral as possible, but I knew that sooner or later tonight my poker face was going to fall.

I nodded my head for Felix to continue, he and Eric were everything but squirming in their seats now, at least I wasn't the only one feeling like crap.

"Eric and you were a couple Sookie…for quite a while"

At that point I turned my head to Eric, my mind by now was going a mile a minute; taking in what Felix had just said and using it to make new calculations, new assumptions, trying to reach the correct conclusion, trying to answer all the questions that had been lingering there, making way for a whole new swarm of questions, I was voracious by now.

"How long is quite a while?"

I didn't need to put effort into making my tone dead serious. I was already there.

This time Eric answered. His eyes caught mine but couldn't keep hold; he looked away avoiding my gaze by forcing his eyes to wander everywhere but where they really wanted to be.

"We were together for four years Sookie"

Just then did he look directly at me trying to gauge my reaction. This was only getting better. I reminded myself to breath, I kept reminding myself that any harm done had _already_ been done, that the worst had passed but I just didn't remember it. But that defense tactic was slowly losing its credibility.

"We were together for four years, that is until last summer"

It's him. Oh God. It _is_ him. Right then my mind couldn't help but wander back to the hospital room, the confusion, the fear, and the horror, the panic… the heartbreak. I was living it all over again, I was suffering, and my chest ached. I knew it. Underneath it all I knew it. This man was without a doubt the father of my child. The child I had lost.

I didn't know how much more I could hold myself together. I had this sudden urge to kick both men out of my home, run to the safety of my bed, and stay under the covers for as long as I needed, till I was ready to face all of this newly found information, maybe Felix was right, maybe I'm not ready.

But this was my child.

Right then I decided that weakness and self pity were no longer an option, I would hold out for as long as I needed to, I would not breakdown till I knew all there was to know, If not for myself, Then for my child.

I closed my eyes as if to pull all my thoughts together and took a deep breath; it was the only thing I could do to ground myself.

I was sure He was the father. I didn't need any affirmations, but I couldn't help looking at Felix searching his eyes for any signs to confirm the conclusion my mind had reached, Felix though was avoiding my eyes, he knew me too well. As messed up as my thoughts were, I knew what question I needed to be answered at this point, so without further hesitation, I looked at Eric and asked him with as little emotion as possible.

"So, if what you say is true, what took you so long to find me, I mean after the accident?"

What happened then was exactly what I expected, but still seeing it happen took me by surprise; the two men sitting across the table from me were squirming like toads, it almost made me giggle, then they began looking at each other as if inviting one another to take the heat, but I knew without a doubt that both these men had an ass chewing coming their way and that gave me more satisfaction than I could ever hope for. I don't know what had gotten into me but I felt like I was no longer the pawn any more, I felt like all the pieces of the puzzle that was my past were about to come together and I would no longer need to be under the mercy of Felix, Eric or any one. I was well on my way to being in control of my own personal life. At least I hope so. Eric then began talking pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Well, you and I were having issues and we parted with less than pleasant feelings between us"

He sighed heavily like he was tired, looking into his eyes now I could see that he really was tired, restless even, miserable. I kept thinking how our relationship was like, were we in love? Were we happy? What was it like to be with a man like Eric Northman? But soon enough those thoughts lead me to the obvious questions; what 'issues' were we having? How did it all end? Did he have any idea that I was carrying his child when we broke up?

I shifted my gaze to Felix, he had his head thrown back on the back of the couch and was staring up at the ceiling, waiting for this to end, well that just made two of us.

Eric started telling me about our relationship; starting from the day we met at his parents' place and the first time he came to visit me in Princeton University. He then skipped to the main events; the times we would take things to the next step, the day we went public with our relationship…..

I was listening to every word Eric had to say, observing all his expressions like my life depended on it. If you would see me you would think I was completely enthralled, I was, but not with Eric, but with the story he was telling me. I was trying so hard to see myself in this scenario, in these events. But I couldn't help feeling detached like this was the story of another woman. That feeling made me feel sorry for myself. I despised that feeling. It was foreign to me. No matter what had happened to me during these past months I never allowed myself to have a pity party, but this was different, this was sensitive, delicate, personal through and through. But I just felt…detached.

I noticed Eric was not so keen on the details, the reason behind that was completely lost on me. But I gave him my complete attention nonetheless. I was waiting for the 'big bad'. Whatever had come between us can't have been simple, I could tell that the tragic part of our story was coming up by his body language and by the way he would keep stealing glances at me to gauge my reaction…our story, that sounds…too personal for my taste.

"We were beginning to have problems". Pause. "We more or less lost the comfortable feel of our relationship" he sighed, I wanted him to elaborate, but I stayed silent and patient, I could tell this was no easy feat for him.

"It was my fault, I fucked up Sookie, I failed you!"

At that moment I turned away from him to look at Felix, for a minute there I had forgotten that he was in the room, I was so taken with Eric's words, but as soon as he said that the relationship had fallen apart because of him, I began to feel sorry for myself, again, not sorry for the woman he was talking of, but for myself. For the first time in a very long time I could relate to this, she was me, she _is_ me, he hurt _me_. I needed to look at Felix at that moment. I needed something from him; strength, affirmation, love, I had no idea what I needed then, but I needed it so much. All of a sudden Felix left his seat and walked over towards me with so much understanding, it made me feel like it was okay to break down, he crouched down next to my chair and just hugged me. That was what I needed.

As Felix settled back in his seat I began to compose myself and I pushed away all thoughts of self pity and weakness, and directed all my focus to Eric, I could see the pain flashing in his eyes but at that moment I couldn't find it in me to feel any compassion or sympathy towards him, clearly each of us had their own burdens and sorrows and I was in no mood to carry his.

He then proceeded to tell me all about the final stage of our relationship; the way he pushed me away day by day, the way he gave up on us by being passive, by being emotionally absent. For the first time I was grateful that I had no memory of such events, that they could not hurt me as much as they would have had I any memory of all this.

Part of me, just part of me, felt sorry for Eric for being so incapable of commitment, for being so incapable of receiving any love, but all that sympathy went out the window the minute he told me about this Sophie bitch…clearly he wanted to give me, and I quote 'a clean break'. Pathetic.

"So let me get this straight Eric, you pushed me away and 'pretended' to get involved with another woman, to push me away because you loved me too much to be with me but you didn't have the balls to do it like a man would"

As soon as the words left my mouth I felt a sudden conflict; part of me regretted being so blunt and crude with him, because underneath it all I just didn't know him, and another part of me was more than happy with ripping him a new one because underneath it all and then some I was the woman in question.

You would think that the look of pain, regret and sorrow on his face would make me feel for him, sympathize with him or at least have a desire to take my words back, but the agony on his face just fueled my anger.

"Eric Northman, stop it, just stop it, stop feeling sorry for yourself, you are not entitled to, it's pathetic, demeaning and unattractive"

I took a deep breath and sighed.

"If you have said everything there is to say I would like you to leave, I have a new life now and I do not want you part of it, you wanted me to get a clean break and start fresh without you, well I have, so please leave"

Obviously I was on a role and nothing was stopping me, I was in charge now, I took charge of the situation, I was not a cruel bitch by nature but all this fire was coming from somewhere deep inside, and I had no intention of putting it out. This man had done enough damage and was simply no longer welcome in my life, I appreciate his honesty, but God knows maybe he thought that would give him points in my book, well too bad it didn't.

I had driven the knife deep into him, I could see it, but now I just wanted to twist it, I hope I would not regret this later…

"By the way Eric, we lost our baby"

_**Soooo?**_


	9. Chapter 9

_**WOW! The reviews I got for the last chapter, were so flattering thank you to everyone that put in the time to read, alert and review my story and a shout out to all my new readers. :D :D**_

_**I wanted to reply to all the reviews but I thought an early update would be more interesting, I hope you guys like this one, send me your feedback.**_

_**Disclaimer: not mine, only the mistakes are**_

As soon as it left my mouth I regretted it, not only because I could see the shock combined with deep pain drawn all over Eric's face but because saying it hurt _me_, it felt like there was a deep tugging inside of me that caused me so much anguish, I just couldn't deal with it. I knew that I had to say it; I just wish I had taken a softer approach. This was not me, I am never this nasty, I know that Eric stirred up a mania of emotions inside of me, I knew that he was capable of bringing out the best and the worst of me, but that was no excuse.

I turned to look at him, he looked like a man on fire, I wanted to run up to him soothe his pain and apologize for the way I hurt him with my crude words. But my mind held me back, where was he when I needed soothing? Where was he when I needed to be consoled for all the loss that had come over me? There it was again that unfamiliar harsh side of my nature that I couldn't adjust to, though it was a protective mechanism that would serve to spare me much unwanted pain in the future, I was unhappy with it, it was too foreign for my liking.

"Eric, listen, I…."

I was lost for words, I didn't know what I wanted to say, But Eric just shook his head, and raised both his hands in front of him in a 'please not now' gesture.

"Sookie, I will leave now because, I think both of us have had our share of revelations for one night, we both need to think all of this over and, and just see what we want to do next, I…"

He looked so distressed; he took a deep breath and passed his fingers through his hair several times. It was something he did as a nervous reflex.

Don't ask me how I know that.

"I just want you to know that I never, I never meant for this, you have always been everything to me, you always will be Sookie."

His voice cracked on the last part.

"Yes, there still is a lot to be said, but not tonight."

I chose not to acknowledge his final statement because I could not handle it now, that was just too much. So I just repeated what he had said just said for lack of better words. Plus he certainly did have a point; both of us needed space to deal with all that was said tonight in more ways than one.

He just nodded his head, stood there unsure for a moment, part of me knew that this was very unlike his nature to be so hesitant and reluctant. He took a step back towards the door, but then took two large strides in my direction, I was very confused, and I'm sure it showed in the way my eyebrows furrowed. What happened then and the effect it had on me was just baffling.

He kneeled down and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. I looked up at him to see his eyes full of tears.

Just then I remembered how much I had loved this man.

ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ

As soon as I stepped out of the house I was on the verge of breaking down right there at the doorstep, but I pulled myself together, got into my car and drove for as much as my weak limbs would take me. When I felt like I had reached my limit I pulled up at the side of the rode and _then_ I broke down.

I cried, I wept, I cried for the love I had thrown away, I cried for the baby that we would not have, I cried for Sookie's pain and torment, I cried for what could have been, I cried for everything I should have given her. But the crying didn't give me the release that usually followed, it only reminded me of my weakness, my inability to function or communicate in our relationship. It simply reminded me of why we were in this situation. My weakness.

Tonight when I went to see Sookie I knew that it would be quite the evening, I knew that she would welcome me into her home like the southern belle she always had been, but I also knew that she would be less than warm about it. I knew that she would listen to me with as much tolerance and patience as possible, but I was well aware that she would be measuring me up with every ounce of focus and finesse she had. I knew that she would try to be as understanding and gentle as possible, but I also knew that she would not think twice about giving me a piece of her mind with rough yet well deserved words.

But _this, _I did NOT expect.

My mind was bombarded with visions of a pregnant Sookie, so beautiful. She always had this amazing maternal streak that was so part of her. She had always been one of those women that would make a brilliant mother; I knew that right from the get go. And I also knew that the loss of our child must have hurt her to no limit, knowing what I know now I am surprised at how strong and resilient she can be, then again Sookie was never weak, she had always been the one to fight for us, long after I had given up.

Thinking back on everything, in light of the new information I had come across I felt more pain and regret than I ever thought possible. If I thought losing Sookie was the height of emotional downfall, knowing that I had lost our child really was a much greater plunge.

For the first time in my life I was wishing I were father.

Admitting this to myself put so many thoughts and feelings in perspective; The mere idea of fatherhood had me running and screaming as far as my legs would take me. I knew that any child of mine would be simply getting the short end of the stick.

Not because my father was as shitty a father as they came, I mean he _was_ a patronizing drunk son of a bitch that never thought twice about showing me who's boss. Not because my stepfather could never find it in himself to care for me as much as he did for Max and Felix, I really couldn't blame him, I mean I wasn't his son, I was my mother's baggage. I mean _really_, almost all my friends have divorced parents and fucked up childhoods one way or another, I actually had it quite smooth considering everything. Pinning any of my failures to that was just asking for it.

No. I avoided the idea of family because I simply felt like I was not made for it, I felt like I had nothing to give to anyone in my life, nevertheless a child, I always felt like that was a catastrophe waiting to happen. I had always been too selfish and self-centered to give anyone the time of day, and I would never deny that.

Up until Sookie came into my life I never though I could stand to be around anyone more than a few hours. But she was different, I could easily marry her, I could easily share my life with her and start a family with her, but of course, too little to late. _Asshole_.

God I missed her so much, just being away from her for a few hours had it's toll on me, all I wanted to do was to drive back and be with her, in anyway she would take me, but I knew that at this point she would not take me at all.

But I now see how much I need to fix this, how much I _want_ to fix this, I want to be the man, the partner, the husband and the father that Sookie deserves, the man that she always saw in me but I could never bother to muster the courage to be. I would change that, I would fight for us this time, I would fight for everything I had lost, and I _could_ make her love me again. I had to.

ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ

" Felix, I need for you to leave, I can't even begin to deal with you right now, I can't be around you now, please leave."

He looked disappointed and a little shocked even which only pissed me off more, as much as I was too tired to deal with his lies and falsehoods, I thought giving him an Idea of what was coming his way would do no harm.

"Felix, don't look at me that way, you were the only person I had, I woke up with nothing but you, I trusted you unconditionally, I begged you day in and day out to tell me everything about my life, but you chose to drag it all out and tell me what suited _you_ and made _you_ sleep at night, you had no problem lying to my face, you had no qualms about leaving me in the dark, only to have my whole past come tumbling down on me."

I saw him open his mouth to start talking, whether he wanted to defend himself, explain his actions, or apologize, I had no idea, but either way I was really not up to listening to him, just the thought of hearing his voice right now had me cringing. I just needed for him to leave.

Before he could say anything, I cut him off. I gave him a pointed look, and arched my eyebrows.

"Felix, please!"

I was this close from losing it, and I had already lost it once tonight and come to regret it, that was enough.

Thank God, he nodded, sighed and turned around to leave with his head hanging in shame. Good.

I needed to be alone now. I needed to rehash everything; all that happened tonight from the moment they knocked on my door till that kiss he planted on my forehead, and all the memories that were flooding my mind. It was overwhelming.

_**Sooooo?**_


	10. Chapter 10

_**So I know I have not replied to any of the reviews but I really have time issues at the moment and when I do have time I try to write the new chapter, but every review I get puts me over the moon and I read it over and over again, this chapter is a bit of a reflective one but I felt it was necessary at this point, I hope you guys enjoy it, maybe even enough to leave me a review, I'm so not above asking for reviews**_

Baking, that's right, when in doubt…_bake_! And I was baking up a storm in here: I had baked three pies, four loaves, two batches of muffins, two batches of cookies and breadsticks. That's when I know I should stop; when I reach breadsticks, no one makes home made breadsticks.

So I took a deep breath and looked down at my clothes that were covered in all sorts of ingredients, as I had not bothered to put on my apron. _Great_. I looked up at the clock to see that it was almost 4 am and couldn't help but sigh, I had hopes that I could bake my issues away till I was too exhausted to think about anything, but here I am standing in my kitchen nowhere near tired, needing a long shower and to top it all off I felt like my mind was not my own, like it was selling me out or something. Ugh!

I had all these memories rushing back to me and I didn't know what to do with them or how to translate them into feelings, choices or actions. I needed someone, a friend; I needed someone I could trust without watching my back every minute, I required someone to act as some kind of cathartic medium to take me from this state of loss, pause and shock to the state where I desired to be. Which brings me to the real question; _where_ do I want to be? I could tell you in a heartbeat that I want peace, comfort and resolve, but who doesn't? I just didn't know how I wanted these feelings. In which form…

Usually In these situations my mind would spontaneously go to Felix and I would have him on the phone before my mind had time to even process the decision, I had always been able to bounce all of my thoughts, musings and contemplations off of him like I were talking to myself. Felix had never given me a reason to hesitate to tell him anything, no matter how perverted or mean it was, until now of course. I had no idea where our friendship would go from here but I just hope that I could get over his selfish behavior because I knew deep down that Felix was a good person through and through, and had always been my ally no matter how rough things got. But right now I had bigger fish to fry, and contemplating the whole Felix situation now was just a means of stalling and postponing the real issue. Eric.

Eric. What is there to think through? If I had enough common sense for my own good I would cut off all liaisons and attachments to both Felix and Eric and start afresh just like I had attempted to a year ago, which made me wonder; _how_ _did_ Eric find me? But I would file that question away for later. But I knew that making a run for it at this point would only be running away from events and issues that would come back to bite me in the ass later, just like they had this time. I had always found assurance and comfort in running away, I was never too fond of taking problems and obstacles head on. Running away just always seemed so appealing not to mention easier. But however I denied it, I knew that running away, throwing myself into work, keeping myself occupied and running myself ragged only to suppress all my thoughts and feelings was the cowards way out. And as much as that seemed familiar, far too familiar, I just couldn't do it again; it had already taken its toll on me and had pushed me off the edge of sanity, so enough was enough.

This is one of those moments in life where I would love to say 'I need a drink' but that never really did it for me, and had never really been my thing. _Fantastic_. I couldn't even drink my problems away temporarily or something, that's just sad.

Thinking of the position I am left in now, the wise option would be to talk to Eric, that's right, I would talk to him; we would talk this _shit_ out once and for all, so to speak. We needed to communicate (something we had failed to do sincerely during our relationship).

I was not ready to have Eric in my life in anyway at the moment, but that didn't mean that we didn't need to understand what had happened, we both needed to understand each others thoughts and motives, we both needed to reach some kind of resolve so we could get on with our lives. Normally I wouldn't even think of communicating with him, ever again. But I don't think I could let it go, I just wanted to find anything to muffle the pain of the loss of my baby. I was well aware that there was nothing Eric could say or do that will make the pain and emptiness go away, I knew that I will never live to see the day I could forget this crisis. But I needed to understand so that I could get along with my life. And Eric needed to know how much hurt and pain he had caused me, how much his actions cost us both, not only because of how much I loved him and how much he disregarded all of that but because this was no longer about me and him, it was so much more than that now, so much bigger.

I wanted to wait it out, I wanted to give myself sometime to…to get ready to see him, I didn't want to be caught off guard I wanted to be on top of my game when I met Eric again, I wanted my emotions to be well kept and my reactions to be intact. But I couldn't wait; I was never one to be fond of waiting when the situation was so…tense, even if it were not so tense I had no patience.

Then I thought should _I _be the one to initiate our contact? I mean shouldn't he be as eager to explain himself and hear me out just as much, possibly even more? But then again _I_ had asked _him _to leave, I had asked him to give me the space I needed, if I knew anything about Eric it was his fear of initiating…anything. I didn't care much for how much he had issues now as much as I cared about the smartest and most subtle way to handle this. I would be making that phone call. Now.

ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ

I had been driving around for hours now, I had no Idea what the time was, I didn't even have a clue where I was and frankly I didn't even care. My mind had been going from completely blank to complete thought overload in the matter of seconds. I was incapable of reaching any palpable decisions. I had come to one decision though, it was more of a concept really; I would not be leaving Louisiana until we worked through this. I just could not run away anymore, nor did I think I wanted to; running away from Sookie had caused so much damage, more than I could ever fathom.

I wanted to fix this, if not to have Sookie back but to help her heal, to help her reach the harmony and peace of mind she deserved. I was not stupid or callous, I knew only too well that what I had done was beyond the point of fixing, I could not take it back, I could not bring back our unborn child, I could not take away all the heartache and despair my actions had caused her. I could however help her, be there for her in any which way she needed me to be to become the happy, lively and vivacious Sookie I had known for so long. I had taken that away but I would do everything I could to give it back to her.

I didn't know how it was possible to hurt someone you love the way I had hurt Sookie, I didn't believe what I had done. Oh God.

This time around I would do it her way, keep to her rules, follow her lead when she wanted me to and take the lead when she needed me to, I would be whatever Sookie wanted me to be. Yes, even if she asked me to walk out of her life and let her be I would do that for her, but not before I put in my penny's worth.

Most importantly I would become an open book to Sookie, I would let her strip me of all the layers of crap and disarray that surrounded me to reach and find what she had sought after for so long only to have me shut her off, Never again.

I know all of this was easier said than done, I know that I had only scraped the surface with reaching the resolve to change for Sookie, but I had every intention of doing all I could for this, all the loss that had befallen Sookie and I was the jolt I needed, or rather deserved, it was the wake up call that came too late.

Now there was one thing to do, go to Sookie. That is how I found myself driving towards Sookie, her pull on me would never cease to amaze me.

I was pulled out of my state of reverie and rambling by my phone ringing, I really didn't want to talk to anyone now, I didn't need to be bothered with anything now, I was in my own bubble, but my eye caught that it was not a name I had registered on my phone but a number. I knew it could only be Sookie.

"Hello?"

_**So….?**_


	11. Chapter 11

_**First I want to thank everyone for sticking with this and putting in time to alert and review my story, this is a very important chapter and it will be a big turning point in the story, I hope you guys like it and choose to hang on…**_

_**I have no beta so any mistakes are my own**_

_**Disclaimer: not mine**_

"Eric, please come in"

I stood back to let him enter while giving him a quick onceover; I didn't want to be the only one that looked like death warmed over, so seeing him look somewhat disheveled gave me some satisfaction. Eric took hesitant yet eager steps into my home, I have no idea what he expected to come of our conversation, I for that matter was somewhat clueless, but I had a very strong concept of where I wanted this to go.

It was 7am and my body was struggling, I could feel my exhaustion creeping over me by the minute but I was too buzzed to be able to rest or sleep, I could tell Eric was having a similar crisis, so I offered to get him some coffee, he agreed looking somewhat relieved, I guess he wasn't the only one that was hoping to see the other nervous. After pouring us two cups of coffee and cutting up two slices of pie, I took a deep breath and went to call Eric so we could sit down at the kitchen table, I'm not crazy but I felt like I would be more in my element in here rather than the living room.

Eric settled in the chair opposite mine, swallowed a piece of pie and quickly followed with a huge gulp of coffee. He did all this without taking his eyes off of me, I knew that look, Eric was assessing me on some sort of level, and he was gauging my body language and reactions trying to pick up on any hints. Suddenly he looked down at his coffee and back up at me again with his eyebrows furrowed, then he took his mug to his lips once more which caused his eyes to widen, looking back up to meet my eyes his breath hitched in his throat.

"Sookie, how do you know how I take my coffee?"

Part of me wanted to really have fun with this, but I think being as tired as I am and the fact that Eric looked like he saw a ghost, I just went straight for it.

I raised one eyebrow and tilted my head to the side.

"Eric, being with someone for four years, you kind of catch on these things"

The way I said it carried no humor, actually my statement was so loaded with meaning that you would think the air got thicker in the kitchen, I was just hoping he was picking up what I was laying down; yes, I do remember and no, you didn't seem to catch on much, or else we really wouldn't be here.

He looked down to his pie fumbling with his fork but really avoiding my gaze, I knew then that he had understood what I was implying.

"Eric, I didn't call you to throw your actions in your face."

I said that as a reminder to myself more than him, I needed to keep my emotions under control. And if I kept this up I would be doing a piss poor job.

He nodded his head quickly, and then pushed his empty plate away.

"Sookie, I know that there is a lot that is left unsaid between us, and I know how hard this is for you to sit down and talk this out with me, and I want you to know I will not leave until you ask me to, I will not move before all is said and understood. But before you say anything please understand that anything I did, it was because I love you, no matter how it may not seem that way, please know that"

It was my turn to furrow my eyebrows, not only because I simply failed to see Eric's actions could be interpreted into 'love' (a word he would never have said a year ago), but also because I knew that Eric almost always shied away from any serious in-depth discussion, I think it's a guy thing, so to see him willing to be an active participant or maybe even have an initiative to lead was quite the head-turner. But I chose to bite down on my tongue, keep my thoughts to myself, and nodded my head for him to continue.

"Remember the night you asked to move in with me?"

His voice was very thick with emotions and almost cracked at the end.

I couldn't understand why he was bringing up that particular evening; it was one of those memories that I had always preferred to push down to avoid wallowing in self-pity. I _did_ remember that night; I had almost begged to move in with him claiming that it was only the logical next step because it would save us time and money, but he chose to remain silent. I knew Eric all too well to understand that he was panicking like hell underneath his neutral demeanor and wasn't ready for that particular step, so I brushed it off to save myself further embarrassment and him more discomfort, but it hurt me so much that he didn't want me around. I felt so pathetic and worthless.

I still couldn't see how digging up that incident would help Eric's case, besides I really had no desire to open up these somewhat closed issues, but once again I opted for silence and let him continue…

Eric continued to explain his reasons, motives and actions, he explained how he felt about all these small things that had passed between us, how he felt that he had disappointed me one too many times, hence deciding to 'let me go'.

To say I was unimpressed would be the understatement of the damn year, and I was merely left shell-shocked, I mean what was he thinking? How could he ever think that the way he handled things could be anything but senseless?

The sad thing was I really had nothing to say to that, it just didn't make the difference he thought it should, I mean I understood clearly what this means and I understand that he didn't cheat on me, but…

I simply realized that it was all little too late, and at this point I couldn't be bothered to feel a bit better about his infidelity or lack thereof, I was so worn down by all of this, I hadn't even noticed.

I looked up and saw that Eric was in tears, I would be lying if I said my heart didn't soften a little bit at seeing this, after all this was the only man I had learned to love. I knew that he was crying for all the things that had been lost between us.

"I'm so sorry Sookie, I'm so sorry."

I couldn't help but let out a few tears of my own and I extended my hand to hold his, the feeling of his hand against mine raised too many emotions inside of me for my own comfort so I patted his hand and withdrew mine in the most subtle way I could.

"Eric, I understand everything you have said, but that's all I can give you now, I am in no position to offer anything more."

He nodded his head in understanding, and looked at me with so much emotion in his eyes, I knew that a year ago seeing that look would have me down to a puddle at his feet, now it just made me feel sorry for all the damage that was done.

We continued our talk, or rather our Q&A for the next couple of hours or so going from heavy subjects as my departure, the accident, how he found me and of course our baby, we tried to tread carefully on all these subjects choosing to avoid getting too deep for our own sanity, all went smoothly considering the circumstances except of course when we began talking about the pregnancy, that brought around a bout of emotions neither of us were prepared for. Then we moved on to small talk, which surprisingly felt more awkward than the previous topics.

After all was said and done we both sat in an awkward silence, stealing glances at one another while sipping on our fourth cup of coffee, I couldn't help but look at his face, I always felt so lucky to have his attention, and have him all to myself, he was just so breath taking, but thinking back now I see that neither of us could ever be enough for the other. So I went for the last card I had to put down, it was the only thing I could do now, for both of us. I began with a huge sigh to get his attention and my feeling of exhaustion in _every_ sense of the word across to him.

I think he knew what was coming because I could new see fear and desperation reeking out of Eric's every gesture, and I damned myself for being able to read him so well because it did nothing for my nerves or my sense of self preservation. But this is what it all really came down to, didn't it?

"Eric, I am _so_ tired…I have been angry, upset and broken for so long, I can 't even recognize myself any more, I need to take a break, a pause, I need to step back and put myself together and take care of _me_ now, I need to be alone, I _want_ to be alone. Eric I need to make myself happy before I even have a chance at making anyone else happy, please understand what I am saying."

I didn't look up from my downward gaze at my hands on the kitchen table, not because of shame or regret because I felt neither, not because I was afraid that looking directly at him would make me change my words, not at all. But because I didn't want him to see the look in my eyes, I didn't want him to know that making that decision was easier than I ever thought possible, it came so naturally to me, that I was shocked at my own strength, I loved Eric so much and I was still hurting but too much had happened, the pain of being away from him though still there, had lessened greatly.

But I guess my curiosity got the best of me so I slowly but carefully looked upwards training my eyes on Eric's face, all I saw there was all the understanding I needed, He had a sad smile on his face, the smile said it all and nothing at all. I was reminded once again of the Eric I had fallen in love with and I couldn't help but return his smile, thanking him for not making this harder than it needs to be.

Eric smoothly yet swiftly got up from his chair and planted a lingering soft kiss on my cheek and walked out of my home.

_**Please tell me your thoughts, what do you think of Sookie's decision and Eric's reaction? **_


	12. Chapter 12

_**I want to send out a huge thank you to all the guys that are still sticking to this story, I love writing it and I love reading your thoughts and reviews…**_

_**I wanted to ask if there is anyone interested in being my Beta, this is my first time, so I'm not familiar with the process, but would really appreciate some help and support **___

_**Disclaimer: Not mine**_

Sleep. That was the only thing I could really think of. No, I didn't start analyzing our conversation, nor did I start making life-altering decisions, and no I did not start baking. I just went to sleep.

I woke up and looked at the time to see it was 5pm, I just sat up in bed and couldn't find it in me to get out of my bedroom, better yet my bed. It was everything I needed; warm but not too hot, clean and crispy but not unfamiliar, soft and welcoming yet just hard enough. _Pathetic much_?

That is how I found myself 4 hours later eating pie like it was no one's business in my bed, thinking about…Nothing.

This went on for more than I would care to confess, I was not wallowing in misery or anything, I was just lost, anger had become such a constant in my life that being without it for a change felt more or less unsettling rather than comforting.

I realized that for the past year I had become obsessed and attached to all the wrong things (for lack of better words), all I could think about was my past, I kept a constant grip on everything that I had lost, everyone that had hurt me, every concept that bought me enough anger to keep me going. I understand that this was my way of managing my grief and that this was my way of pulling myself together to get through another day.

Despite how bitter, harsh or wrong it may sound, I wouldn't change a thing, because it all gave me what I needed when I needed it. Because even if I had lost my memory I was no where near starting fresh or putting myself on a new path, because there really is no such thing as a clean slate, you either deal with it or it comes back to bite you in the ass.

But I can sit back now, I can make myself happy, I can take that deep breath and start feeling again, after being on a high of anger mixed with self induced numbness.

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_**3 months later**_

It had been 3 months since Eric walked out of my home and 3 months since I had made the decision to actually become part of the living world.

I wish I could say it came to me as smooth as I would have expected, but I guess it didn't work that way, my behavior around people was…erratic, I was like a headless chicken; frantic to become social and friendly yet cautious and guarded. I didn't see the pattern at first but with time I noticed my behavior was nothing if not borderline disturbing. But I refused to be hard on myself and accepted that it was a process that would come to me slowly but steadily.

The only awarding human interaction that came to give me some satisfaction was with a colleague of mine called Amelia, She was a bomb of energy that exploded at any given chance, me initiating a conversation with her was that chance, and we became friends instantly, I refused to let her in too much, because she was a bit of a gossip, and I was not willing to become the talk of the town because I needed a close friend, however she was the breath of fresh air I needed and gave me the push I needed to put myself out their not for men but for life.

Since human contact had become somewhat of a challenge I chose to fill up my time with new hobbies, because baking simply wasn't cutting it, besides it was definitely having it's toll on my hips, that's how I found the courage to sign up for yoga. After getting over myself I found it to be what I needed to rid myself of unwanted stress and tension while toning my body and lessening the guilt that I would flounder in after eating a tub of ice cream or pan of pie, let's just say yoga made me happy.

But it wasn't that simple, I was not an island, and to be frank I missed Felix, he was all I had for so long, that being without him really did put me down. Having lost my family, I could always find the love and security I needed between Felix and Eric, but now I had neither, that's how I caved and called Felix. I am not perfect.

Felix had tried to contact me almost every day the first week after I asked him to leave, but realizing I needed space he began to pull away, and his calls became weekly, I wouldn't answer any of his calls, but I could always hear the concern and regret in his voice when he would leave me a voicemail. Hearing his voice was a constant form torture; I was always happy to get his calls and hear his voice because Felix would always be associated with care and affection. But then it would remind me of what he did; choosing his peace of mind over mine…

"Hello, Sookie? Is that you?"

I didn't hesitate to answer.

"Hey Felix, yeah.."

There was silence, for a few seconds on the line; I guess neither of us knew where to go from here. Felix was the one to break the silence, blurting out his next words.

"I'm sorry, I...I miss you so much, I know I was selfish, I know…"

I heard his breathing as he sighed on the phone, I could picture him pinching the bridge of his nose like he always did when he was lost for words, that thought just made me miss him more.

"Can I please come and see you, I don't want to push it, but I really miss you!"

I tried to keep all emotion out of my voice because as much as I missed him and craved his company, he was still going to have his ass handed to him, I was nothing if not stubborn, and he knew it.

"Okay, yeah, why n…"

Before I had a chance to finish he cut me off.

"When can I come?"

The eagerness in his voice was not lost on me, it made me feel a bit better about my phone call, but not good enough to soften my tone.

"If you're free you can come by on Saturday."

"Of course, of course, I'll be there, see you next Saturday."

I could hear the smile in his voice, and I couldn't help but smile a little myself.

"Okay then, Bye."

"Sookie, Thank you."

"It's fine Felix."

"Bye."

ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ

I wasn't sure how I felt about Felix coming over on Saturday, I didn't know if we could fall back into our friendship, that thought troubled me more than I care to admit, but I would just see how things would flow on Saturday.

That night as I was lying in my bed I couldn't help but think of everything, it had become a bad habit of mine, one that I was far too willing to let go of, because sometimes it became too much.

Soon enough I found my mind going into the vicious cycle of 'what if' it was like that sad song that you know always pushes you to the edge and makes your emotions all over the place, but you always find yourself playing it, only to end up in a fetal position going into a fit of ugly crying. I knew that thinking in that rhythm was unhealthy on so many levels I couldn't even fathom, but I think I was entitled to some lousy habits after the shitstorm that hit my life. Oh God.

That always only lead to thoughts of what was to come…the first and foremost notion that would take up my thinking process was motherhood. Than the tears would come, and I would cry myself to sleep.

_**I though this chapter was a bit necessary to the story, to show where Sookie stands, next chapter will be an EPOV, would like to know your thoughts on Sookie's behavior…**_


	13. Chapter 13

_**So here it is the new chapter, I'm sorry to keep everyone hanging like this, but life kind of happened. But the next chapter will be out in the next few days ;)**_

_**I have a Beta now, she's GREAT, so I want to send a huge thank you to kel2kol :D**_

_**I want to thank everyone for the each alert, add and review, keep them coming…**_

I had never thought it through, nor had I planned it out…letting go of Sookie. The idea had struck me when I was nowhere near prepared, and where it hurt the most…

Through the progress of our relationship I became attached to Sookie in the most unsettling way; I never became attached to anyone. I had learned that attachments gave back nothing but disappointment, _every_ time.

If I had to point out what was so enthralling about Sookie, I would have to say it was her ability to read me, to see that I loved her, in the most dysfunctional way… but that I loved her nevertheless.

You would think that a notorious manwhore like me would know exactly what to say and do around women, but the shocking truth is I was always left dumbfounded when it came to women. It was always too easy to get a one-night stand, especially when you were me, the great Eric Northman. It never really took more than a nod and a smirk when it counted…. Never failed.

Thinking back to that point of my life, I was never really cut out to be anyone's boyfriend. I never thought about until I had Sookie in my life and I realized that I needed to step up my game. Only then did I began to see my shortcomings and notice that I had never mastered any of the romantic gestures expected of a guy: I never kissed her when it would count, hold her hands when it was expected, give her comforting words when I wanted to. That art was simply lost on me. I tried though. I would always say or do what I perceived as "stellar boyfriend behavior", but it would always come out all wrong, awkward and poorly orchestrated. Thankfully, she would see right through me and tell me it was cute but unnecessary because she knew, she always knew, that she was it for me… I just did things differently.

But I had improved a lot, or so she said. I was more attuned to her emotions than I ever thought myself capable of. I could read her like the simplest, loveliest open book, and I always took pride in that. I could even see the subtle shock in her eyes when I would comment on something she didn't expect me to notice, or when I answered a question before she asked it. That always got me the sweetest of kisses from her, and if I was really lucky, the best sex.

I loved who I was with her. I was not an asshole or a jerk. I was _it_ for someone… she wanted me and chose me. Every time that thought would pass through my mind I would be left somewhere between grateful and terrified.

I don't know if I could live through it… If one day I ceased to be enough for her, or if she realized that I was a waste of her time and emotions. I was stupid enough to think that if _I_ left _her_ it would hurt less because I would not be rejected. The truth of the matter is, I kind of rejected myself on her behalf, so it messed me up all the same.

It took me a tremendous amount of self-loathing, along side a whole lot of self-pity, to get my act together. So I went about it how a true Hollywood star would; I went to therapy…. I like to believe it really does do it for some people, but it really didn't help me all that much, so that idea kind of died out. So I went away. I disappeared, Sookie-style, for a good 6 months. After a lot online research, I found the perfect getaway, Walla Walla Washington.

After tweaking the details and making arrangements, which included telling Pam (that didn't go down as smooth as I would have liked) I headed off to Walla Walla. I stayed at a vacation rental that didn't come cheap, but it was perfect; distant, quiet, calm, clean and surrounded by nothing but vineyards.

Now, I am not in any way stating that a great 6 month escape helped me get my head out of my ass… No… it just helped. With no work, no company, no obligations to anyone except to myself, I couldn't help but dwell on my own thoughts and emotions… for a longer time than I like to admit. Dwelling always brought me back to Sookie. I had missed her so much. Life had become severely hollow and stale without her; not just because she was brilliant, but because I had failed to notice that she had become the center of my world, my brilliance.

So I started my search for Sookie.

I had found my resolve to find her and I did. Now I needed to find my resolve to get her back! I'm so pissed at myself and fucking tired of my emotional paralysis, my passiveness and most of all… my weakness.

ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ

I was standing at Sookie's door feeling like a child standing at the gate of Disneyland. I had missed her SO MUCH in the last few months. I was not used to being out of touch with Sookie. We had been inseparable for so long, and all of a sudden, I felt like an intruder… an outsider. It was a feeling I neither appreciated nor welcomed.

I understood her reaction to everything that had happened and wasn't astonished with any of her behavior. That is why I let her rant and then left in silence without looking back. I knew Sookie too well and I knew she was not prone to angry outbursts, but when she WAS upset, the smartest course of action was to give her all the time and space she needed. Then, when she's ready, give her all the attention she requires.

At first, I didn't expect her to stay away from me for so long… but when I thought about everything that had passed, all the new information that tumbled on her head, I understood. I couldn't help but panic from time to time, thinking about the future of our friendship, so I would call her to let her know that I missed her, and that I was waiting for her when she was ready to have me back. So here I was… standing at Sookie's door…

The truth is, the more I look back, the indecisive I become about my feelings and my thoughts on the matter. Sometimes my guilt for keeping her in the dark kept me up awake at night, fearful of the day she might remember. Other times I was sure I had done the right at the time, but may be in the long run. But there is nothing I can do now to change what happened… and even if I would go back, I'm not so sure I would change my actions. I'm not cruel. At the time, my fear for Sookie (and may be my fear OF Sookie) trumped everything else, maybe even my logic.

As for Eric, my emotions were mixed but not inconclusive. My opinion that he never deserved Sookie still stands, but I'm not sure I can hate him as much as I did, because that night I could see that Sookie had such a hold on him. And she didn't even know it! She literally possessed him and he never hesitated to show it. I don't know how I could have missed that before, maybe because the situation we were in just made everyone's emotions raw and amplified, maybe because losing her really had had it's toll on him.

I was pulled from of my thoughts when I heard Sookie say, almost reluctantly, "Felix…"

But then she broke into the biggest smile I had seen on her face for longer than I could remember. I knew instantly that she was in a better place now, happier than when I had last seen her. Her smile was contagious. I couldn't help but return it, after letting out a breath I didn't know I had been holding for so long.

I opened up my arms for her, she wavered for a moment then inhaled deeply and hugged me back with measured and calculated enthusiasm. I knew then that Sookie still wanted to roughen me up a bit before letting it all slide, but I was prepared. I was ready to take my lashing.

But what I wasn't expecting was for her to whisper in my ear

"I remember."

_**Tell me what you think…**_


	14. Chapter 14

_**Okay so, I love the feedback I'm getting about the mess that I have made of these characters, and I understand that some of you guys will not approve of this chapter, but please understand that it's never black and white…and that it'S a process…**_

_**A big thank you to everyone for reading, alerting and reviewing this, especially reviewing (wink wink)**_

_**Disclaimer:**____**not**____**mine**_.

She remembered. She was back. Sookie was back. _My_ Sookie was back.

She had always been my Sookie whether she remembered anything or not, but the Sookie that had been around for the last year or so, was like a dented or scraped version of the person I had come to know for so long.

It wasn't just the fact that she had no recall of the past few years. It wasn't that she couldn't remember all the chaos and disorder that had led her here, it was the slight shift in her character and mood that always took me off guard and left me upset and shaken up, It was a daily reminder that things were not as _fine_ as I liked to convince myself.

But I didn't want to dwell on that now, because she was here, standing in my arms fully aware of the impact her words had on me.

Long gone was the unsure, insecure Sookie.

I would no longer need to suffer under her gaze of curiosity, I would not have to see her cringe as a result of lack of memory or lack of knowledge, and I would certainly not need to keep any profound facts from her, or bend what little truth I could offer her.

And at that moment not only did I feel that a massive load was lifted off of my chest but I understood why I went about matters the way I did, why it didn't trouble me as much as it should have to lie to Sookie. It was because this whole time I was biding my time till she came back, I was keeping myself patient waiting for her to come back by tending to her damaged form.

After settling in I was glad to see that Sookie had made some changes around the house here and there; she had moved around the furniture, put up some framed photos, I thought I could even see some new bits and pieces lying around. I liked what she had done to the place and I understood that she made all the changes to mark the start of a new era of her life, and to help her let things in the past just be. Sookie had always been a strong advocate in the 'let lying dogs lie' concept and had mastered it in almost every aspect of her life, I think that's why I liked her so much; she didn't have the usual flare for drama most women had.

We headed to sit at the kitchen table where I could pick up the distinct aroma of baking. She sat across from me with her eyebrows arched stating with no words that I would initiate this conversation if it were the last thing I did. Not such an avid believer in 'let lying dogs lie' after all. Crap she didn't even offer me pie first.

"Well what did you expect me to say? 'Sookie I know you are all traumatized , amnesiac and shit but I just wanted to tell you that all the mess going through your life was the result of a failed relationship with my ass of a brother'?"

Her shoulder suddenly fell, in what I would like to say surrender but was anything but.

"No, I get it, I really do, more than you think Felix, but during that whole year didn't you ever think once that I deserved to know everything? Didn't you ever notice that I was dying to catch on any piece of information that you might let slip?"

I already knew what she was saying, but it reminded me of the times I lied directly to her face without faltering or hesitating almost at all. Almost.

"Honestly, I don't know what to say, I could tell you that it was my way of protecting you and taking care of you, but I know you would say that it was extremely high handed of me. I could say that I was chicken shit and preferred to avoid loaded confrontations with you, but I'm sure you will be less than thrilled with that excuse, I…Sookie, what do you want me to say?"

She had a look on her face that bordered between frustration and confusion, I knew that this was my chance to go for the kill, although I was well aware that it was Sookie's way to give me an out without looking weak or lame. That was how well we knew each other.

"Sookie, you know me, you know that I would never ever think of doing something to harm you, and there is nothing you can say that I don't already know and grasp, but please just…I want us to let this go, I want to move forward with everything, I missed you and I'm clueless as to what the right thing to do or say is, so, yeah, I'm sorry, but I'm not so sure if I would do things differently, you came first, that was my way of showing it."

She sighed and looked away, I was very unsure what her next words would be.

"Want some pie?"

I should feel relieved, but knowing Sookie, I knew that she was just letting it go…for now, and even if this topic never came up again, she would take her own time to solve her feelings towards me and our friendship.

I disliked being left helpless with nothing to do but wait and hope, well ain't karma a bitch?

Thinking back to Sookie's offer I nodded my head in enthusiasm, her pies were like little slices of bliss melting on my tongue. Just thinking about it made my mouth water. Sookie made ridiculous pie.

"What flavor?"

"Cherry"

"Mmm, great"

We sat there eating away at the pie, and making small talk, catching up on everything that we had missed, In the last couple of months, I could tell that our conversation was not flowing as easily as I would have liked at this point, and I could also tell that she was keeping some bits and pieces here and there from me, at first I couldn't tell if this was her way of declaring independency and taking a strong hold on her new life, or if this was her not trusting me any more, but as the conversation continued I could tell it was the latter.

In the midst of our conversation, I wanted to ask about where she and Eric had left things off since I was last here, but I didn't know how to make it fit in without making her uncomfortable, but Sookie clearly could see right through me…

"Felix, what is it?"

"Well, for lack of better words…Eric"

I did not expect her answer that was for sure.

"Well, that's between me and Eric, isn't it?

That hurt, more than I would ever care to admit, but she knew that, she knew that nothing would insult me more than those words, and I could already see her cringing at her own choice of words, but I knew that she was too proud and too stubborn to take them back. She wanted to get her point across to me and she had. Now it was my turn to show her that she will always be my priority.

ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ

It had been 6 months since I let Felix back into my life and we had come a long way since then, we had found our way back to our comfortable friendship without any strange or eccentric feelings between us, it was perfect.

We were back to our old routine; whenever he had time on his hands he would come down to see me and spend a few days with me.

As for Eric, he gave me the time and space I had demanded of him and didn't intrude on my newfound stability. Until that day…

It was a lovely Saturday and I was sitting out in the garden trying to get as much sun as I could without looking like an oumpa loumpa, I heard the phone ringing from the kitchen, so I quickly ran to answer it already disgruntled about my tanning time being interrupted.

"Hello"

"Hi Sookie, it's Eric"

He didn't need to tell me who it was I could tell that voice miles away, and hearing it did things to me I did _not_like. I was over Eric that was for sure I was just not over our messy history.

"Hello Eric, how are you?"

Smooth I know.

"I wanted to come down to Shreveport and maybe have a cup of coffee or something together, just catch up, if that's okay, no pressure though, I just, is that okay?"

I was still stunned by hearing his voice on the phone to find his rambling amusing, and I still hadn't really taken in what he was saying, so I just remained silent.

"Aaa, Sookie, are you still there? Listen if it's too soon, I understand, I just thought we could get together and chat or something, but…."

I took in a deep breath, hoping I would not regret this.

"Listen Eric, you can come down here, we can have a cup of coffee and maybe even catch up a little, but that's it, I can't give you more than that, and frankly I don't really even want to"

"That's fine Sookie, really, that's more than fine, thank you, I'll call you when I'm there, do you want anything from New York?"

"No thank you Eric, see you soon"

"See you"

That was how I ended up meeting Eric a week later.

_**Go ahead and tell me what you think….please? :D**_


	15. Chapter 15

_**So here is the new chapter, I'm sorry for not replying to the reviews, I'll try my best.**_

_**I want to thank my awesome awesome Beta Kel2kol, she really did magic on this chapter ;) it was a mess…**_

_**And I want to thank you guys for the reviews and alerts, you rock!**_

_**Want to send out a thank you to a friend who suggested the idea to this chapter ;)**_

I was sitting on the porch swing, in Eric's arms, it was an early winter morning, and the weather was simply divine; you know that perfect morning weather? The weather that makes you want to curl up with a warm blanket and a steaming cup of cocoa, not because it's cold, but because it just fits, because your soul just needs the cliché of it all.

Everything was so silent and still, including us, Eric had always been the silent type, not the same could be said about me, though. But here I was completely silent and still.

Breaking the silence, he asked,

"Is everything alright? You seem so quiet"

I took in a deep lazy breath, just because I could and then shrugged with an apathetic smile.

"Just calm is all, just calm"

"I love you. You know that, right?"

As I responded, I was still calm; there was no bitterness in my tone, no malevolence, just…calm.

"No you don't. I don't think you really ever loved me"

"Don't say that. Don't even _think_ that. Everything is going to be different. It's going to be better_._I'm going to be better. I'm going to take care of you from now on."

I had an urge to sit up and look into his eyes to understand what he meant by that 'take care of me', I wanted to probe the deep feelings behind his words, but his voice was loaded with so much emotion and passion, I didn't really need to.

Besides, at this point I'm not sure if his words were of any definite value to me, sincere or not. I was so over everything. Instead of putting any of my indifference in words, I decided to remain silent; I was just not in the state of mind for any profound declarations now.

"Say something Sookie"

He almost sounded like he was pleading.

"I have nothing to say Eric, let's just savor this, please?"

Clearly he was unsatisfied with my reaction; I could sense it in the way his body tensed below me. I knew then that a discussion, a long and tiresome discussion was around the corner. _Fuck_.

I sat up with a huff, he completely ruined the mood, and there goes all that calm…

"You don't believe me"

It was a statement not a question. I wanted to say something about his poor track record so far, but held my tongue, knowing that I would regret it as soon as I let it out. So I just answered as honestly as I could and as passively as my feelings would allow me to.

"Well, not really. No Eric I don't believe you"

A look of hurt haunted his face, I didn't like seeing him hurt. Honestly, I never have. But he asked for it, he just _had_ to go there.

"It all happened because I love you, all of it…. the good and the bad decisions I made. I thought you knew that now"

And he was right, he _had_ explained to me his twisted logic, and I swear part of me completely understood where he came from but the rest of me was just **NOT** so convinced.

"It's so much bigger than that Eric. It's so much more than your old insecurities and your good intentions"

He remained silent and attentive, waiting for me to elaborate. I held back as much intensity from my voice as I could before I continued.

"Eric, can I trust you to be the man I need? I don't want alibis and excuses, and God only knows that I don't need your good intentions. I need something solid Eric…just that…solid"

He nodded his head with fervor, I had never seen him like this, tense and edgy yet so aggressive and insistent with just enough intensity.

"I know, I know, I get it, I do"

He responded with heat.

He ran his fingers through his hair. It's such a familiar action.

He looked away for a moment then turned his gaze back to me His eyes were so tender; it made my heart ache a little.

I decided to plunge forward and ask the question that had been lingering unanswered for so long.

"What brought this change on? This sudden shift, what happened?"

I needed to understand why he was here, why he was willing to fight for us after walking away one too many times, I needed a good solid motive, not a shifty emotional wave that would subside all too soon, bringing us back to where we were.

Still holding my gaze, he ran his fingers through his hair again. Eric chose his words carefully, wanting me to understand him clearly. He exhaled heavily…

"It was there all along, you were there all along, but I was just pushing it all down. When I decided to walk away Sookie, it was all clear and sharp, I didn't even give myself a chance to hesitate, I just set my mind to making you hate me. It seemed flawless. But as soon as I let myself think of you, it was like opening a fucking floodgate. I was so angry with myself for not trying harder, for allowing my insecurities to make me so fucking selfish and greedy"

He sighed heavily. I knew this was taking a lot of energy out of him

"I'm not here to redeem myself in your eyes Sookie, or to seek your approval of me, I'm here because I want to love you and honor you the way you should be"

"I will take what I can get Sookie, I will take anything you are willing to offer me, I will work from there, whatever it takes"

He put both hands on either side of my face and said it straight out.

"Don't you see, Sookie, you are so perfect, so beautiful in every way, you have no idea what it feels like to be around you again. How good it feels. I want to make you happy, I want to give you everything, I want to be yours, I want you to have me in everyway possible, I will be what you want, just let me"

I didn't know what to say to that, and I didn't want to acknowledge any of it so I just rested my head back on his shoulder. After a long heavy silence I said the first thing that came to mind.

"Do you think about our baby, Eric?"

We had never spoken about having a family, I never knew how Eric felt about it, and I barely knew how I felt about it. I mean sure, I wanted to be a mother at some point, but that was about it, before the accident I had never given the topic more thought. But after, it had become almost an obsession; it became a concept that followed me like a shadow.

Eric stayed silent. I wasn't sure if he was reeling from the abrupt change of subject, or if he was trying to put together an answer.

"Every day, Sookie. All of the time."

His voice was thick with emotion and his tone was that of resignation as if he had been waiting for that question.

"Our past will always be there, it won't go away, no matter where we go from here, we can't move around it like so many other things"

I wanted to ask so much more, I wanted to hear so much more but somehow that statement gave me more serenity than I expected it to, and so I decided to just bask in the peace it gave me.

He was running his fingers through my hair, and I found myself giving in to sleep, it was the first time in such a long time I had not resisted my body's pleas; I just wanted to sleep, here, next to him.

He stood up and pulled me up in his arms and walked slowly and smoothly towards the door, walking inside and then to my bed placing me there softly, he gave me a tender affectionate kiss on my forehead.

After covering me up with the comforter, he slowly walked away then out of the bedroom, I wanted to ask him where he was going, if he would be here when I woke up. But my body was not catching up to my mind, and I found myself drifting off into the deepest sleep.

ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ

I woke up so distorted, physically and emotionally, with the vivid dream I just had. I didn't know how I felt about it, I didn't know what to make of it, and I didn't know what I _wanted_ to make of it.

I looked around towards my alarm clock to see that it was 6 am; I did _not_ want to be up on a Saturday at 6 am, I wanted to get under the covers and sleep but my body was already buzzing and my mind was in overdrive…. And then it hit me….crap. Eric was coming over for coffee today, coffee my ass. It was never just coffee with Eric. Never. And I had to face him after that dream…double crap.

I gave myself a pep talk. I refused to overthink things; it was just a dream Sookie! And I refused to allow my inner teenage drama queen imagine a perfect scenario where I said everything I wanted and Eric kept to script…that would never happen. Things never go according to plan, people never kept to my fictional script. I had to put the dream behind me, and I could not allow myself to elaborate on the script my dream was coaxing up.

I headed to the kitchen to get the coffee brewing, then straight to the bathroom for a shower, a Scottish James Bond shower; alternating between hot and cold water. It was heaven. And I had a feeling that was as good as it would get this morning. I was so right.

I got my cup of coffee, picked up my laptop and headed to the porch. I just wanted to salvage whatever peace I might be getting out of this Saturday.

As soon as I stepped out into the porch I almost spilled my coffee all over myself, not to mention my precious MacBook. There was Eric, sitting on the porch swing, looking like he had just stepped out of a GQ magazine.

All I could think of was: God not so early!

_**Would love to hear your thoughts on this **_


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